27 April, 2018
I saw a dream. And in just over a year’s time it has come to be fulfilled. I thought on this day I’ll be the happiest person on earth. But today I don’t really feel happy or thrilled. On the contrary for some unknown reasons I feel heaviness engulfing in my heart.
Also read the Prologue , Chapter I , Chapter II, Chapter III, Chapter IV, Chapter V, Chapter VI and Chapter VII of IITKGPEPA Diary!
After the shoot of the film ended on a high, the journey of IITKGPEPA project went on a downward spiral until last month. The first editor of the film spent over six months on the film. Even after all that time he was unable to proceed beyond the first two minutes of the film. I am not sure what the reason was, but to me it looked like he had lost interest. Whatever the reason, he did not make progress and we had to find a new editor. This is how one member of the camera crew, came on board as the new editor. But he too could not make any real progress in the last three months. Now that the academic session is going to end and our director Lokesh is going to leave KGP, it looked game over for IIT KGP en plein air project. But then what seemed like a divine intervention (again), both Lokesh and new editor decided to stay back in KGP after their end semester exams to complete the film. Lokesh messaged me this seemingly fabulous piece of news today. That meant finally the film is going to be completed within the few days. Surely this piece of news should have got me very excited. But it has not. My intuition just does not allow me to be happy. May be it is the exasperating experience of dealing with the editors or maybe it is just premonition. Whatever the case may be, I just do not feel fine.
04 May, 2018
Universe has played a very dirty joke on me. I am completely shattered. How can a hard disk get misplaced? I just do not believe what the editor has told me just now. It is not like a needle has got lost in a haystack. It’s a hard drive which had been lost inside a room of not more than 100 square feet of space. And the nonchalance in the tone of our editor has troubled me even further. He made it seem as if it is just another hard disk which has been misplaced. It was not just a hard disk. It was my dream. It was a big chunk of my heart and soul. And then what about a backup copy? Two hard drives were acquired for this project. The backup copy must be present somewhere. A lost hard disk just cannot be an excuse now. I don’t know what the truth is, but I just cannot believe what I have been told.
29 May, 2018
It has been a very tough month. I have not been able to focus on anything. Sleep has been hard to come by all these days. Sharing with friends also has not helped.
I completely believed that the film that captured the spirit of IIT Kharagpur was meant to be made. I believed it in so much so that I started imagining coincidences to be signs of destiny. I had created an alternate reality for myself and had got trapped in it. And that’s why it has been so painful. Some of my friends suggest that I should go for it again. But what has passed can’t be recreated. What was captured on camera then just cannot be captured again. It will be different; very different. Even if I gather the courage to do it all over again it will be a different film. It may look similar from outer appearance, but in spirit it will be completely different. It will not be able to fill the void of what has been lost. But anyway right now I do not have the courage or strength to do it all over again. I am afraid the universe will trick me once again.
31 May, 2018
Does it really have to end like this? I have been behaving as if the world has come to an end. Whats wrong with me! Not many people dare to dream and pursue it like what I have done. Yes, it has ended in a way which has been difficult for me to accept and the cynics are probably laughing right now. But that cannot make me weak. Yes I do not have the film to show. But I have something significant to show right now. I have those art works I made. They stand witness to the amazing experience I had. Though they cannot replace the film, they capture the spirit of IIT KGP in a way that nothing else can capture.
My journey did not have the destination I expected. But what matters to me now is that I took the journey. My paintings bear a testimony to this journey. And they will touch people. They will be able to transport people back to KGP. People will experience their journeys at IIT Kharagpur all over again through my work.
Probably this was the destiny universe had in mind for my journey. As of now I’ll take that, till I start dreaming again.
p.s. Luckily I had this part of the film from the initial edits which will continue to remind me of my unfulfilled dream.